We're going through changes.

Sometimes, when everything is just shit, you just have to make a decision and go with it. It might not be the right one and you might make a mistake, but at least you can say you tried, and you may regret it, but at least you won't always be wondering 'what if'.

I am a mug, and a pushover. People treat me pretty badly, and I let them. It's not that I can take being hurt more than anyone else, I just feel like being happy for a little bit is worth it. I think maybe I have built up a little tollerance to it. I don't think I notice it, I just let it affect me without even realising.

Taking control of it is scary. You run the risk of being unhappy, even if just for a little bit. But it's important, because you're taking control for a reason and you're making things right. And it will get better, because it can't get worse. You're making a change because you aren't completely happy, and things won't get better if they stay exactly the same.

Take a risk. Close your eyes. Jump.

It's the most beautiful pain in the world, I love how it hurts.

Downer.

Wow. Where the fuck did this come from? I feel like shit. I want to sit by a river somewhere with a bottle of vodka and a pack of twenty and cry. I like rivers. I think I'm just tired. I hope I am. I had actually forgotten what a bad mood felt like. I don't like it, its not fun.

I had sucha beautiful day on Friday. Watched the royal wedding with my favourites, and then got joined by a few more in zee park. Then the evening? Started AMAZING. Got progressively worse. Beth went psyco. Shit went down. It was horrible. I was a mess. It was a mess. Everything was one big fucking mess. Urgh. I feel like crying now just thinking about everything. FUCK SAKE.

I then had a really shit day at work on Saturday. Really shit. So fucking bitchy there. Saturday evening was beautiful though. At Samuels watching Moulin Rouge with lovely LOVELY people. But as soon as I got home this morning I was just like . . woah, hating on life. URGH.

Tomorrow, Ali will come and save me, because we are going to sit and watch Doctor Who all day and eat shit and drink tea and I cant fucking wait. Oh Beth stop being sucha fun sponge. Sort yourself out. Life is beautiful. You have amazing friends. You are going to New York for your 18th if it kills you.

You're the best, just sayin' . . ♥

My Favourites.

Just another one of those FUCKING AWESOME days. I am so high on life right now its unreal. Never been so happy at just nothing in particular. I love life.

Lunch with two beautiful people, and I got a free smoothie. Boston Tea Party decided that 5 minutes is just a completely unacceptable amount of time to be waiting for a drink. So I get a free one. Cheers'en!
Then Kat went home, Samuel arrived, and we decided that some good old fudge was a much better idea than coffee. So we hung out in the market til the fudge shop opened, and I found the one Train CD that Ali doesn't have. For 50p. Skills.

And then we ate fudge on the green, and planned what I am thinking is going to be one of my favourite weekends EVER. Can't even begin to explain my excitement.

When everything is lovely, I have nothing to say. Can't think of one single thing to rant about at all. And this is why I am one seriously boring fucker.

Oh, and I'm going to New York for my 18th Birthday with my favourite person EVER. Just sayin' . . BITCHEZZZ ♥

DEVON, ENGLAND ♥

I have decided that this is the best place in the whole entire world. Yeah it might have its downsides, like crappy shops, but that's why we have the internet. And it might not have loads of stuff to do, but that's why we have cars and trains and cities. And it might not be the most beautiful and exotic place on earth, but that's why we have holidays. And the best bit about a holiday, is coming home.

Oh holiday. I don't know how to say this. It was fun while it lasted but we just aren't right for each other. I feel like you were far to controlling and stopped me seeing all my favourite people. Maybe some time in the future, we could try again, but right now, we are just better off without each other. I'm sorry . .

I don't think I have ever missed anyone as much as I missed people this past week. And it just seems that there is just more and more people who I couldn't live without anymore. Obviously Beth has her favourites. The ones who. Fuck. I can't even begin to explain my love for. Who like . . I just . . no. I'm not even going to try. Not tonight. But you. You just. URGH ♥ Love you more than anything else in my life. EVER.

Basically . . LIFE ♥ I know I sound like some kind of fucking broken record or some shit right now. But I am actually SO HAPPY!! Perfect.


Baby you will always be my favourite mistake. You were worth every goddamn fucked up minute. But now its come to this. And its so much better ♥

Beth is leaving the country. Thankyou and goodnight.

Although sun, and food, and beach, and alcohol and general holidayness sounds lovely, I want to stay at home. Ima miss people WAAYYY too much.

Gonna be a little hole in my life for the next week.
You people. Oh my. I love you. ALOT ♥
I expect you all to cry in my absence, and mail me every day. K?

I'm a little bit lost without you . .

when we first met, i had no idea you'd be so important to me.

You know when you see something or read something that just makes your heart sink? I hate that. Its always just one of those "shit happens" kinda things. Nothing you can do about it. Your friends would rather meet up without you. Some guy you're into is seeing someone else. Someone is being a general twat. Well guess what FUCK YOU ALL. Coz sometimes you read some shit that does completely the opposite.

My life is literally amazing right now. I feel like in the last month, everything has changed. Every single thing about my life is completely different. And I love it. This new thing is the best. When you are just honest with yourself, and admit some shit to people its so much better. Secrets are overrated. Yeah, sometimes they are necessary, because people will get hurt by the truth, or it will complicate things. But getting stuff off your shoulders sometimes is so good.

All the new people in my life are amazing. I could no longer imagine my life without them. I wouldn't even be me anymore. I would be like. LOST. But sometimes one person walks into your life and just . . oh my fuck I can't explain it! They just make everything make sense. Sometimes, you just click and life is just perfect and . . I have tried to explain this so many times. We can't even explain it. I just . . GOODNESS. My love is beyond explanation. Its perfect. I Love You *blows kiss*

I am like this big bundle of happy smileyness. And yeah, my head is full of fucked up shit that makes me want to scream at people and slam my face into a wall. But in general, I can't remember ever being this happy. Someone. Fucking. Gets. Me.
Being Beth right now is amazing. 

Just tonight I will stay, and we'll throw it all away ♥

LIFE ♥

Today, was the most perfect day in the whole history of ever. I just spent it with amazing people, doing lovely things on this beautiful sunny day. Oh my goodness, I have never been so happy!!

Sun ♥ Food ♥ Kat ♥ Chris ♥ Chats ♥ Friends ♥ Beach ♥ Ali ♥ Toby ♥ IceCream ♥ Photos ♥ LIFE ♥

I have also just rediscovered twitter. Or maybe finally discovered it. I'm not sure, but anywho, Nick Gardner totally tweeted me. Don't be too jealous. Oh my fuck he is amazing. Check him on youtube. I mean it. UNREAL!

I'm just way too happy to even write anything of any interest or sense. So sorry. And I will write something interesting to. Maybe I will even push the boat out and go all inspirational.

There's a fire starting in my heart ♥

Grey.

It has been SOOOOO long since I wrote anything on here. I don't know why. I have had the time, and I have stuff to say. Maybe just the wrong things.

Things I do are so silly. If I'm doing things, yet keeping them secret, then there is a reason. I'm not telling anyone because they will judge me for what I'm doing. Because its wrong. So I should stop. And I'm going to. Its crazy when you keep something secret for so long, how amazing it feels just to tell someone and just offload it all. And then you get an opinion. And you realise you actually need to sort yourself out. Stop "fucking around".

So that is my lovely little cryptic rant. Aaahhh sucha twat!

I have had such a beautiful week. Everything feels really different and new and I love love LOVE it!! All these amazing people who I have recently met, or even known for ages I have suddenly become really close to, and its lovely because they are lovely.

Oh my fuck I am so boring. I could talk about so much crazy shit, I really could!! Explaining what I do in my college frees or go mad about people changing and being really fucking stupid. But I just can't. Oh beth. Oh wow. Sort it out. I was gonna google interesting shit. I'ma go google it, and tomorrow, I shall attempt to not waste your time.

YEAH BABY . . Life ♥



I feel like I have a new head :)

Life as we know it.

Everything has been so weird this week. Beyond weird. But an amazing weird. I have all this shit running after me, because of all these weird things I have done, and I have a feeling its all going to catch up with me soon.

So as of yesterday, I realised something, that I have kinda thought for a while, which I think explains alot about my life. Its something huge, and it makes me feel better about myself. I understand everything more, all the shit I have done makes sense. Kinda . .

But why does something so important have to be more of a big deal to other people than it is to me. Of everyone I know, there is only one person who not only gets it, but will keep it to themselves and just help me with everything until its easier. I don't think people expect this of me at all. They don't expect it, and I know they wont accept it because its just, different.

Its like everything is coming together and falling apart at the same time. But sometimes you just have to make a decision and stick to it. If that shit catches me up then I'm gonna do something crazy drastic I think. I'm in need of a really big change.

I should be doing coursework . .

The awkward moment when you thought you had loads to say . .

Haha, so today, has been a beaut of a wednesday, although very unproductive!! I got no work done, I just sat in the library distracting everyone else for an hour and a half. THEN I wondered down that beast of a hill with a packet of sour skittles and some lovely company, mooched to fathers, attempted some piano playing, failed miserably and embarrassingly at tennis, then RAN home, argued with the sis, had a shower, talked to a creepy man at the bus stop, got to town, had a meal with the girls from work, went to find somewhere to get a drink, failed, nat drove us home, singing along to lovely cheesy shit in the car.
Oh wow, I feel happy at the end of another averagely wonderful day :)

If you ever feel like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me . .

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Love taught me to lie . .

Today was amazing in an incredibly average way. Just full of laughter and loveliness and I realised what a twat I am sometimes!! Yesterday I felt generally shit about life, and today all seems much more dandy, I mean when Cannonball comes on shuffle in the middle of a maths lesson, you know life isn't bad. There is always going to be crappy things, so I'ma gonna try and just focus on the good stuff.

So my weekend, I LOVE HOGWARTS!! I really don't want to bore you with the details, or make you jealous, but I was in Gryffindor, I played Quidditch, and I transfigured into a silly goose. Can't explain how super lame, but fucking amazing it was!

Eurgh, I'm sorry, I'm so boring. I really can't think of anything to say at all today! I have crazy shit going on. Yes. REALLY crazy shit, ha, but just not anything I think the world wide web should hear about. I need some kind of inspiration, ahaa, I might google it. I love google.

Its not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball ♥

Once, someone with blue hair gave me some advice . .

Beth is comitting social suicide this weekend. But it's AMAZING, becuase it's 3 days spent with some of my favourite people, on this Harry Potter weekend. Fuck yes. Litereally so excited. I don't give a shit how lame it is, I can't wait. Although if that fucking sorting hat waps me in a house with a couple of supertards, I will not be impressed.

But college work is going out the window, yet again. Which isn't very good seems as I got a C and a D in my exams. But fuck it, my coursework is almost done. Okay my lit coursework. Should probably start the lang at some point . .

So I had my hair dyed on wednesday. As I sat there in the salon, my best friend said to me "did you know you're my first ever client". Well, no I didn't actually, and that really doesn't fill me with confidence. So my chocolate brown hair with a purple fringe turned out to be purple hair with a red fringe. Fucking beautiful.

Wow, I have to sort my language out. I swear way too much. I laugh at really gross things. I'm pretty much a man with boobs. A gay man with boobs.

Knew there would be one day when I just erupt like a little volcano and all this crazt shit comes out. I'm sorry if you wasted a few minutes of your life reading this. My goodness, I'm so dull!!

Meh . . slowly but surely, fucking everything up and enjoying it.

It was bullshit ♥

Perfection.

You know, I just wrote this crazy long blog, and it was probably the single most lame thing I have ever written. And that is really REALLY saying something. So I used that beautiful button in the top right corner of my keyboard, and got rid of the bitch. SuperMegaCheese.

Basically I had a beautiful moment today, when I just thought FUCK YEAH, I know the most awesome people. I have these friends who are so amazing, I literally can't explain it. They make me smile at times when I feel like crying, just by like . . breathing! Ahaa.

They seemed to just crash into my life in the oddest way you could imagine. Really unconventional but in . . I don't know . . an interesting way? I kinda love it. All the weird shit just makes me love them even more.

I'm strange and you're strange, don't want you to change, no way . .

Homosexuals, Lemon-lovers and People who like free food ♥

Slag.

Beth,

You are a disgusting whorey slutbag. When did this happen? When did you stop becoming normal. Getting fucked over is no excuse. You are turning into a pretty shit person. You are slowly but surely fucking everything up, and its not cool. You will do way more damage to too many people than good. Are there any pros? Think about it. Sort it out please. And soon, because noone is going to do it for you (strictly speaking).

Yours sincerely,
Your Brain.

Beth is crying . .

It was so strange. I was casually sat on my bed, minding my own business, watching a bit of 90210 . . suddenly I'm crying, for absolutely no reason at all. Beth. You are a fucking weirdo.

I would say I have up and down days at the moment, but that isnt really true. Every day seems to be both up and down. Like a shit day, and a beautiful evening. Or a lovely day, and come home and cry like a twat. Nice. But thats cool, its life!!

Anyway. In general, life is good . . well interesting. Beth is getting herself into another couple of silly situations, but I'm beginning to think . . fuck it, you only live once. Maybe if I continue doing the wrong thing for a bit, the right thing will just jump out of nowhere, and slap me in the face. Hopefully knock some sense into me!! 

The wrong thing is so shit, yet so fucking brilliant all at once. I would just sort myself out, but I don't really want to. People make things so unclear, no definate lines or bounderies, so I feel a bit screwed sometimes. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I don't really have options. 

Okay I do. I just don't like them.

"It feels like more than distance between us . . "

Happy Thursday.

I am having an 'I would rather be anyone else but me' day. Everything just seems so fucking negative right now. In fact, I am actually struggling to think of one good thing. I have no social life. I hate my job. Exam results are out next week. And blah blah BLAAHHH.

I think I am just hating on life.

Who gives a fuck . .

Hello, I am nobody.

FML.

Sweet FA.

Today I feel I have achieved nothing. I woke up, looking like utter shit. I went to college for a very unproductive day when I did absolutely nothing of any importance. Then I had a driving lesson and did nothing new, and I feel like I'm never gonna get the hang of it. Then I came home, continued with the unproductiveness, then did a bit of theory practice, and failed all of that. 

I hate days when I feel like it would have been better to not even get out of bed. I haven't seen anyone, or talked to anyone. Wednesday afternoons used to be lovely, with little Costa gatherings with beautiful people, and I can't even remember the last time we all did that. Its like the longer we are at college, the more work we have, so we can't do the things we want to, but then I just sit at home doing fuck all anyway.

I would quite happily go back to school right now. I used to love it how we could just cruise through it all, and not stress out. In the evenings, we used to live at each others houses, but now I hardly ever see anyone. Even in the holidays, everyone has work and such, or just other things that they would much rather be doing . . 

I hate college. And I strongly dislike March 2nd 2011.
I wish I was four again.

Wine and Wizardry.

So my social-reject-ness quite possibly stems from the fact that I spend every Monday evening drinking tea with the oddest group of people you will ever meet. I cant begin to explain it.

Tonight, I spent 2 hours crafting a magic wand from paper. I took a quiz to decide that my wand should contain the heart strings of a dragon. And got my head measured to fit my hat. No I am not part of some crazy cult, we are just devoting a weekend to Harry Potter. How fucking cool.

For some reason, this crazy group of fucktards know pretty much everything about my life. We exchange strange or drunken tales over rich teas and custard creams, and I realise how much worse I am than everyone else. It seems that no one does the kind of shit I do, or gets themselves into as weird situations . . intoxicated or not!!


With alcohol inside me, I am what many people would class a joke. I never used to be, in fact I used to be a surprisingly happy chappy. But this new year, I decided to cry for four hours, make pretty much the biggest tit of myself possible, and make all my weird situations that little bit weirder. I also seem to think it a good idea to kiss anyone I can, and occasionally show everyone my boobs. Basically, all my morals, and dignity go out the window. 


I don't understand it myself really. Why do something drunk, that sober, I would never even dream of doing? I honestly can't give an answer. Maybe, at the time, I like the fact that someone wants me, even if its for completely the wrong reasons. But why would I like that if sober I would have no interest at all? Sober I wouldn't even kiss someone I wasn't interested in, yet drunk the whole world gets to see my underwear.


Way to go Beth!! You are one classy bitch.


So this is why I attend fucktard club. To vent at a super odd group of girls who giggle at how I am just that little bit worse than them. And to keep me grounded. I might be a bit of a joke, but at least I can make a mean origami frog.


Morals and Dignity ♥ 


Well less of the dignity . . I'm going on a Harry Potter weekend for fuck sake.

Cards On The Table.

I'm really struggling to get into this blogging thing. I don't really know how to do it. I just have all these weird "brain farts" that no one else really should hear about. I even think I'm scared of it. I really don't want anyone to read it, well not anyone I know anywhoo! But fuck it. Life goes on . .

So it seems that a hell of a lot has changed recently; friends, college etc. I have never really been very good with friends. For the first 11 years of my life, I pretty much just had 2 friends. The next 5, I did whatever I had to do, and was whoever I needed to be to fit it. And now, I don't really know what I'm doing. I think I'm just coasting. There are lots of people who I class as my "friend", but I'm last on peoples list . . just a thought at the end "should we invite Beth?". Most of the time they don't bother. I'm a bit boring, and never really have anything to contribute. That's probably why I am so socially challenged. 

Basically I am a twat.

And it is because of this fact that I am failing at college. Without sounding like a big headed asshole, I have always been quite naturally clever. That is how I got through school, and GCSEs without doing any work or revision. Turns out you can't do that at A level. If you are lazy, you just fail, and I am lazy.

I am trying to keep my "brain farts" slightly under control. I'm doing my best not to lose it completely because half the stuff I really want to say, I know I really shouldn't. To anyone. Ever. My mind is a bit of a mess right now. It has been for bloody ages actually. I think its because I don't really live my life in the right order. I would put it down to experience, but I don't tend to learn from my mistakes . . 

Good effort Beth. But try harder.

"I'm just out to find the better part of me"